So I do lots of hard things and, if they succced, I just remember to tally up all my past failures and remind myself that future successes can never erase them so I shouldn’t feel good about them. Example, I went to a government housing help center to find affordable housing. I love sports and healthy lifestyle, good food, think those are the only positive things in my life, but stopped it after I broke with my last girlfriend half a year ago. My neighbors were nice and the school was so much better. My bf is the only person who thinks Im hot and beautiful and pretty all at the same time Learning to walk socially is necessary before trying to run and it makes sense. Is there a way you could move out of your family home or find activities that would keep you out of the house more? I just want him to go away. I know I didn’t have to deal with that sort of bullying, but my lack of sport ability in that sense made it feel more like something wrong with me specifically rather than anything logical. I dun drink or smoke hv always followed every god damn rule in my life. I am 25. I had someone tell I talked about someone and I didn’t.. or someone said I abused guys…. It just didnt. Relevance. I can’t even hold down a job because I keep messing up because I can’t concentrate which is a result of my anxiety. I never ever picked this topic to talk to anyone because i am ashame to myself…but u know what… one day i just found out that my parents FORGOT all the detail about the incident, ONLY ME remember it. This confidence is a lie and Im beginning to realize just how good I’ve gotten at this day in day out performance. so all my i life been just alright. the next year i was diognosed with depression and my dad had a new girlfriend who didnt like my siblings and I. Standing up to your own thoughts can feel daunting. I am thinking of moving to another cirty to start from scratch. Unexplainable hate! After I started to notice that most if not all of the relationships in my life were becoming strained my first thoughts weren’t to mend them and put in the effort to fix them but the exact opposite. Learn how to stop self-hatred in its tracks and start building a compassionate relationship with yourself. I wish I could stop to! If we went to McDonalds I wasn’t allowed to get anything.If my mom called me fat I would go in my room and destroy all of the honor roll awards that I got from school. It sucks. I feel that I am completely worthless I cant do anything right an I always feel like crap. I’m a cynical downer…negative all the time wishing everyone gets their karma….I’m vengeful…I’m 47 almost 48 still live with mom….so all those statements…Dunno what to say more right now. It feels like im locking myself from happiness and not accepting the fact that theres many different people out there.I feel alot better when i’m at home and not outside.I don’t know what to do anymore I tired of this.Thanks for reading this I really appreciate it , I guess im goin through a kind of depression but I still hate me even though my grandfather passed away because of cancer I still feel that some how I should have done more like gone vist him more often but it’s too late for that and its that thought that’s killing me right now. i have thought about suicide a lot in the past week. where’s the truth? I hate being alone, but I hate being surrounded by people because I don’t know what to say that will be what I really think. And actually, ESSENTIALLY, no matter what you do, it won’t change. I feel like I’m so small that no one can see me or understand me. 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